I have finals this week, and I can whole-heartedly say that I am screwed.

First period: Bio. I’ve slept through this class. When I’m not sleeping I’m skipping. When I’m, not skipping I’m texting. We had a review on thursday and I answered one out of 50 questions correctly. I am honestly fucked.

Second period: Eng. The final is on vocab and books.  I havent read the main book it’s on and I used sparknotes for the others.  And on the vocvab tests I always cheated, so I don’t know any of the words.  Again, I am screwed.

Third period: Math. I just haven’t been paying attention. I text and goof off. I never do homework. I know I’ll pass, but I won’t get an A. I’ll probably end up with a B-/C+.

Fourth period: Health. She gave us a review packet on friday and later gave us the answers. I talked and texted rather than writing down the answers.  It’s about Fats and proteins and vitamins and stuff. The drug part I know. The sex part I know. The vitamin part…yeah. I’m not too well briefed.

Fifth period: Webdesign. This is a peice of cake. I have a 98% in this class.  I can ace this final

Sixth period: Euro. Umm….I’ve gotten D’s or F’s on all the test’s so far. I’m not expecting much on this.

Seventh period: Free. I’ll be studying. Ugh.

Eighth period: French. Parle?  Huh? I’m in French 2 and I don’t know how to say ‘what’ or ‘who.’ I’m SO screwed.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfrick!

I’m so angry right now. And so depressed.  Morose, melancholy, irritated, frustrated, pissed off. I hate people. I hate things. I hate friends. I hate boys. I hate me. I hate life. Fuck this. I seriously don’t see the point. What’s the point in living if I have nothing to live for? That’s an exaggeration, but it has some truth to it.  I will never ever find a guy to like me that I like back. I will never ever find good friends that actually care about me.  I will never ever be happy.  I’m not pessimistic, I’m realistic.

Pearl is so mean to me.  She’s my best friend, and yet she continuously judges me and makes fun of me.  She compares us, with her always coming out on top.  She won’t take no for an answer, but doesn’t care if I get in trouble. And if I do, she doesn’t acknowledge that it is partially her fault.

Nate doesn’t like me.  I’ve known this for a while.  He told me that he didn’t think he was the ‘right guy for me.’  Which translates to, ‘I don’t like you. Sorry.’ I don’t want to like him. I hate liking him. I hate him.  Whenever I see him my stomach gets butterflies.  Whenever he smiles, I feel like he’s smiling at me and only me.  I know that what he said means he doesn’t like me, and yet I keep thinking that maybe he lied. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe he’ll realize soon enough that he does in fact like me.  Maybe, but not really.  Like I’ve said before, I’m a realist. I know that he doesn’t like me. (I would like to know why. I can think of so many reasons, I just want to know why.  Not so that I can change it, but so that I have an answer.  I want to know if he’s a jerk and doesn’t like me because I’m ugly or if he truly doesn’t think we’re a right match.  Or if he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship. Psh. Thats bullshit.)  I’m not going to live in a dream world and pretend that I have a chance.  I know I don’t have a chance. I’m out of his league.  I hate that.

UGH. Death would be so redundant at this point.

I’ve been trying to come up with reasons as to why I’m so…unattractive.  Not in a physical sense, but obviously I’m somehow repulsive, seeing as no one seems to want to be with me.  Well, that isn’t completely true, I’ve had guys that are willing to go out with me, but they’re usually too old.  I suppose two years isn’t that big of a deal, but four is.  At least it is when you’re 16.
Maybe I’m just really really ugly and I’m completely oblivious to the fact.  Maybe I smell.  Am I too immature?  (I really don’t see myself as immature though, I like to have fun, but I’m not immature.)  Am I not funny enough?  Or perhaps it’s that I come off as stupid.  I know about 9o% of the people that know me believe I am a total dumb ass.  I’m just a dumb blond who texts during school and flirts with guys.  Maybe that’s it, maybe I flirt too much.  Is that bad?  I thought flirting with the person you liked was normal.  Although I do kind of flirt with like…every guy.  I’m a flirt. Sorry.  Ugh.  I really just want to know what’s wrong with me.
I just want someone to care for me.  I want to be held and be able to say, ‘Well, my  boyfriend is blah blah blah.’  I’m 16, almost 17, and I’ve never had a boyfriend.  I’ve never even been kissed.  I’m so unexperienced.  Not many people know though.  When my friend, Callie, found out I’d never had a boyfriend she was shocked.  She said she thought that I was an experienced dater.  I guess I give off that vibe.
Maybe it’s my confidence.  I am pretty confident.  At least I pretend to be.  I tell people that I’m able to do whatever I want, that I’m okay with how I look, that I’m fine with insults that are thrown my way.  Those are lies.  I’m not self confident whatsoever.  In fact, I’m one of the least confident people you will ever meet.   Except for the fact that you won’t meet me, seeing as this is a dumb blog.
Maybe I’m just destined to become a spinster and live out my life in a cat-ridden house.  (I hate cats.)  Damn. Being a pessimist really sucks sometimes.