I think it’s time to give up.  No one can win at everything, right?  And it’s better to be realistic than a dreamer, right?  Honestly, I have no clue.  I’m just sick of this whole being alone deal.  There’s a melodramatic teen for you.

I know it’s my own fault.  It’s not like I don’t have options.  Hell, if I wanted to, I could call up a guy right now and ask if he’d be my boyfriend.  (Not that I would ever, ever do that.)  I could, but I won’t.  I don’t like the guys that like me.  I’m too picky, I guess.  I’m not trying to wait for the ‘perfect one’ or something like that; I just don’t want to settle. 

Maybe I should lower my standards.  I could start going out with dumb, immature boys.  I could go out with boys that take no initiative.  I could, but I won’t, because I wouldn’t be able to settle for that. 

I think there’s something wrong with me.  No ‘normal’ guys like me.  I get all of the creepers.  The stalkers, nose-pickers, and such, you know?  I don’t know how to change it though.  If I did, trust me, I wouldn’t be in this situation.  But I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and therefore I can’t find anyone.  Correction: I can find them, they just can’t find me.

I want him so badly.  I’ve never been rejected before.  It’s a new feeling.  I don’t particularly like it to be honest.  I’m obsessed with him. He’s all that I can think about.  I wish he would just be a jerk.  Wouldn’t that be the gentleman thing to do?  Maybe if he were to act like a jerk I could get over him faster.  I think.  I don’t know.  He’s just so likable.  You know?  He’s like the ultimate guy in my mind.  I can’t help but look at him through rose-colored glasses.  I know that he has flaws and faults, but it’s just really hard to see them from where I’m sitting.  He’s so smart.  And so sweet.
Maybe if I stay friends with him we’ll become better friends and maybe, just maybe, he’ll realize how in love he is with me.  Maybe….but it’s doubtful.   I really do think that’s it’s a possibility though.  I know it’s a stupid idea, but I stilll think maybe it’ll work.  I really really like him.

I don’t think I’ve ever actually liked anyone before.  I’ve been infatuated and had teeny tiny crushes, but I’ve never liked someone.  I used to not think there was a difference, but there is.  It’s really hard to get over someone when you actually like them.  With crushes and infatuations, I just go on to the next guy.  It’s that simple.  But with this whole ‘liking’ thing, it’s so much harder.  I want him.  I really really really want him.  Ugh. I don’t even know how to put how I feel into words.  There aren’t enough words to describe how I feel at this moment.  I hate this.  I hate this stupid feeling.

text message conversation. (exactly how it was typed on phone.)

me: so…can i ask you a really weird dumb question?
nate: Ok
me: well. i was wondering…when i said i liked you and you said ‘im not the right person for you’…well…just…why dont you like me? told you it was dumb.
nate: Why do you ask
me: just because i like you i guess. im like the queen of awkward
nate: Just a little its that i dont really know you and your not my grade and i dont really want to say this cause this is painful but your really not the person in looking for i dont mean that badly sorry if i hurt your feelings
me: you realize thats so much better than saying ‘im not the right guy for you’
nate: are you serious i dont like making people feel bad and what i just said is straight forward and can really hurt
me: but straight forward is so much better because what you said before is an obvious line of crap.
nate: In sorry

I want to die.

I’m so angry right now. And so depressed.  Morose, melancholy, irritated, frustrated, pissed off. I hate people. I hate things. I hate friends. I hate boys. I hate me. I hate life. Fuck this. I seriously don’t see the point. What’s the point in living if I have nothing to live for? That’s an exaggeration, but it has some truth to it.  I will never ever find a guy to like me that I like back. I will never ever find good friends that actually care about me.  I will never ever be happy.  I’m not pessimistic, I’m realistic.

Pearl is so mean to me.  She’s my best friend, and yet she continuously judges me and makes fun of me.  She compares us, with her always coming out on top.  She won’t take no for an answer, but doesn’t care if I get in trouble. And if I do, she doesn’t acknowledge that it is partially her fault.

Nate doesn’t like me.  I’ve known this for a while.  He told me that he didn’t think he was the ‘right guy for me.’  Which translates to, ‘I don’t like you. Sorry.’ I don’t want to like him. I hate liking him. I hate him.  Whenever I see him my stomach gets butterflies.  Whenever he smiles, I feel like he’s smiling at me and only me.  I know that what he said means he doesn’t like me, and yet I keep thinking that maybe he lied. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe he’ll realize soon enough that he does in fact like me.  Maybe, but not really.  Like I’ve said before, I’m a realist. I know that he doesn’t like me. (I would like to know why. I can think of so many reasons, I just want to know why.  Not so that I can change it, but so that I have an answer.  I want to know if he’s a jerk and doesn’t like me because I’m ugly or if he truly doesn’t think we’re a right match.  Or if he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship. Psh. Thats bullshit.)  I’m not going to live in a dream world and pretend that I have a chance.  I know I don’t have a chance. I’m out of his league.  I hate that.

UGH. Death would be so redundant at this point.

Today:

8am-woke up. HAD to get up because mom had to go to dentist to have mouth surgery. (yeah.)
8.50am-left with brad. we got coffee. i swerved and coffee spilled on him. i laughed
9.10am-brad to school
9.20am-barely make it to class in time. web design
10.10am-tried to log on here, but wasnt able to from stupid mac comp at school.
10.37am-web design ends.
10.46am-nate texts me
11.00am-history is boring so i invite nick to our table.
11.33am-nate texts me
11.51am-nate texts me
12.00am-lunch.
12.30am-spanish rather than guided study
12.50am-to subway
1.32pm-back JUST in time
2.42pm-schools out!
2.50pm-drive taylor and cassie home
3.00pm-call pearl
4.15pm-brad to piano
5.00pm-p/u brad
5.30pm-town with pearl
6.00pm-return stuff to alex. ew
6.10pm-where to eat?
6.20pm-ihop!
6.50pm-how would you like your eggs?
7.30pm-b&n
8.00pm-found hairstyle i want
8.35pm-home JUST in time
9.00pm-shower
10.00pm-i think i love nate
10.10pm-i must blog that fact, but i should make it seem like im not just talking baout him so ill write a long list of pointless things i did today

other than that…
pearl pissed me off today. i fell in love (i think) with nate. thats pretty much it

well im currently reading a book called plot and structure: techniques and exercises for crafting a plot that grips readers from start to finish. (Yes, I will admit that I am a huge geek. But for those of you that know me, you should know that I love anything to do with writing and grammar and so on.)
so this book has a bunch of questions that are meant to help you take a good look inside of yourself. (The main purpose being coming up with better plots that not only relate to you, but plots that you feel.)
anyway, i figured id post them.

1) What do you care most about in the world?
In my mind this question has different meanings. If you’re to say ‘in the world’ you could be referring to a more material object than if you were to say ‘in your life.’ So, material wise, I value nothing. I have no keepsake that I would die without. Although, in the same respect, things like ‘love and ’success’ could be considered material. In that sense, I suppose what’s most important to me is…thought? If that makes sense. Without it, where would I be. I’m speaking of intellectual thought. Pondering, in other words. When speaking of ‘in your life’ it seems as if you must possess what your talking about. As for in my life, I would say my family. Again, where would I be if I didn’t have them? My family has always supported me. I’ve had many hard times and they’re always there to help me up when I fall down.

2) If you were to write your own obituary, how would you want it to read?
I’m not sure exactly what I would wantr my obituary to say, but I would definitely want it to be something worth reading. I dont want to die of old age or from heart disease. I want to have a bungee line break or run into a burning bus and save all the children inside. You know? Something exciting. I also want it to say that I accomplished things in my life. I want atleast one noteworthy success in there. Writing a book or becoming president (or not) or something.

3)What is your physical appearance? How do you feel about it? How does it affect you?
My appearance is…lacking. I’m a blond, I’m short, I weigh…average? I feel fat all the time. Probably because I have no muscle whatsoever and only fat. I know this makes me have low self esteem. (Nate’s made me quite aware of this. =P) And, as he’s told me-along with some lady in the check out line at Target-having low self esteem does affect your life. I’m just not too sure how…

4)What do you fear most?
For me, this is an easy one. Being alone forever. Failure I can live with. If I have someone by my side to cheer me on. Not heart break. The thought of never having someone-ever. Being alone and never knowing what its like to love. thats my biggest fear.

5)What are your major strengths of character?
Although I do have low self esteem, I’m also quite confident. If that makes any sense. I know I can do things. I know that only I can control me. I know all of this. Also, I’m adventurous. Obviously. I consider it a strength. Some people don’t, because I ‘take too many risks.’ Also, I’m a realist. Not a pessimist, a realist.

6)What are your major flaws?
I always fall for the boys who wont catch me. lets leave it at that.

7)What are you good at? What do you wish you were good at?
I’m pretty good as far as writing goes. I’m good at conversing and counseling and seeing between, below, and above the lines. I know when someone’s lying and I see most people for who they are. I consider my songs decent. I wish I was good at applying myself. And at art. And at coping.

If you could do one thing and know that you would be successful, what would you do?
Well, if I could do this thing and be successful again and again-like I’m successful in my profession-I’d do something I love. Now it’s just a matter of what I love and what I love doing. At the moment, I’m thinking writing. But I would also love to make music. I have no idea.

10)What are three events from your childhood that helped shape you into the person you are today?
Let’s not get too deep: 1)Drew, 2)Charlie, 3)Nick

11)What are some of your annoying habits?
I talk too much. I ramble. I whistle. And I’m sure there are more, but I’m bias. =]

12)What secret in your life do you hope is never revealed?
Well, this obviously wasn’t meant to be a myspace survey.

13) What is your philosophy on life?
Life isn’t too short; it’s the longest thing you have.