I think it’s time to give up.  No one can win at everything, right?  And it’s better to be realistic than a dreamer, right?  Honestly, I have no clue.  I’m just sick of this whole being alone deal.  There’s a melodramatic teen for you.

I know it’s my own fault.  It’s not like I don’t have options.  Hell, if I wanted to, I could call up a guy right now and ask if he’d be my boyfriend.  (Not that I would ever, ever do that.)  I could, but I won’t.  I don’t like the guys that like me.  I’m too picky, I guess.  I’m not trying to wait for the ‘perfect one’ or something like that; I just don’t want to settle. 

Maybe I should lower my standards.  I could start going out with dumb, immature boys.  I could go out with boys that take no initiative.  I could, but I won’t, because I wouldn’t be able to settle for that. 

I think there’s something wrong with me.  No ‘normal’ guys like me.  I get all of the creepers.  The stalkers, nose-pickers, and such, you know?  I don’t know how to change it though.  If I did, trust me, I wouldn’t be in this situation.  But I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and therefore I can’t find anyone.  Correction: I can find them, they just can’t find me.

I want him so badly.  I’ve never been rejected before.  It’s a new feeling.  I don’t particularly like it to be honest.  I’m obsessed with him. He’s all that I can think about.  I wish he would just be a jerk.  Wouldn’t that be the gentleman thing to do?  Maybe if he were to act like a jerk I could get over him faster.  I think.  I don’t know.  He’s just so likable.  You know?  He’s like the ultimate guy in my mind.  I can’t help but look at him through rose-colored glasses.  I know that he has flaws and faults, but it’s just really hard to see them from where I’m sitting.  He’s so smart.  And so sweet.
Maybe if I stay friends with him we’ll become better friends and maybe, just maybe, he’ll realize how in love he is with me.  Maybe….but it’s doubtful.   I really do think that’s it’s a possibility though.  I know it’s a stupid idea, but I stilll think maybe it’ll work.  I really really like him.

I don’t think I’ve ever actually liked anyone before.  I’ve been infatuated and had teeny tiny crushes, but I’ve never liked someone.  I used to not think there was a difference, but there is.  It’s really hard to get over someone when you actually like them.  With crushes and infatuations, I just go on to the next guy.  It’s that simple.  But with this whole ‘liking’ thing, it’s so much harder.  I want him.  I really really really want him.  Ugh. I don’t even know how to put how I feel into words.  There aren’t enough words to describe how I feel at this moment.  I hate this.  I hate this stupid feeling.

text message conversation. (exactly how it was typed on phone.)

me: so…can i ask you a really weird dumb question?
nate: Ok
me: well. i was wondering…when i said i liked you and you said ‘im not the right person for you’…well…just…why dont you like me? told you it was dumb.
nate: Why do you ask
me: just because i like you i guess. im like the queen of awkward
nate: Just a little its that i dont really know you and your not my grade and i dont really want to say this cause this is painful but your really not the person in looking for i dont mean that badly sorry if i hurt your feelings
me: you realize thats so much better than saying ‘im not the right guy for you’
nate: are you serious i dont like making people feel bad and what i just said is straight forward and can really hurt
me: but straight forward is so much better because what you said before is an obvious line of crap.
nate: In sorry

I want to die.

I’m so angry right now. And so depressed.  Morose, melancholy, irritated, frustrated, pissed off. I hate people. I hate things. I hate friends. I hate boys. I hate me. I hate life. Fuck this. I seriously don’t see the point. What’s the point in living if I have nothing to live for? That’s an exaggeration, but it has some truth to it.  I will never ever find a guy to like me that I like back. I will never ever find good friends that actually care about me.  I will never ever be happy.  I’m not pessimistic, I’m realistic.

Pearl is so mean to me.  She’s my best friend, and yet she continuously judges me and makes fun of me.  She compares us, with her always coming out on top.  She won’t take no for an answer, but doesn’t care if I get in trouble. And if I do, she doesn’t acknowledge that it is partially her fault.

Nate doesn’t like me.  I’ve known this for a while.  He told me that he didn’t think he was the ‘right guy for me.’  Which translates to, ‘I don’t like you. Sorry.’ I don’t want to like him. I hate liking him. I hate him.  Whenever I see him my stomach gets butterflies.  Whenever he smiles, I feel like he’s smiling at me and only me.  I know that what he said means he doesn’t like me, and yet I keep thinking that maybe he lied. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe he’ll realize soon enough that he does in fact like me.  Maybe, but not really.  Like I’ve said before, I’m a realist. I know that he doesn’t like me. (I would like to know why. I can think of so many reasons, I just want to know why.  Not so that I can change it, but so that I have an answer.  I want to know if he’s a jerk and doesn’t like me because I’m ugly or if he truly doesn’t think we’re a right match.  Or if he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship. Psh. Thats bullshit.)  I’m not going to live in a dream world and pretend that I have a chance.  I know I don’t have a chance. I’m out of his league.  I hate that.

UGH. Death would be so redundant at this point.

Today:

8am-woke up. HAD to get up because mom had to go to dentist to have mouth surgery. (yeah.)
8.50am-left with brad. we got coffee. i swerved and coffee spilled on him. i laughed
9.10am-brad to school
9.20am-barely make it to class in time. web design
10.10am-tried to log on here, but wasnt able to from stupid mac comp at school.
10.37am-web design ends.
10.46am-nate texts me
11.00am-history is boring so i invite nick to our table.
11.33am-nate texts me
11.51am-nate texts me
12.00am-lunch.
12.30am-spanish rather than guided study
12.50am-to subway
1.32pm-back JUST in time
2.42pm-schools out!
2.50pm-drive taylor and cassie home
3.00pm-call pearl
4.15pm-brad to piano
5.00pm-p/u brad
5.30pm-town with pearl
6.00pm-return stuff to alex. ew
6.10pm-where to eat?
6.20pm-ihop!
6.50pm-how would you like your eggs?
7.30pm-b&n
8.00pm-found hairstyle i want
8.35pm-home JUST in time
9.00pm-shower
10.00pm-i think i love nate
10.10pm-i must blog that fact, but i should make it seem like im not just talking baout him so ill write a long list of pointless things i did today

other than that…
pearl pissed me off today. i fell in love (i think) with nate. thats pretty much it

Well my tennis elbow is flaring again. It truly is a pain. I think I have chronic tennis elbow.

I finished writing my song about Nate. It’s called When the Ocean Waves to the Sea. I actually like it. Especially the name.  He didn’t text me that much today and I’m not even sure if he was at school.  He may have gone snowboarding.  It did snow a teeny, so he may have skipped school.  I’m waiting for him to log onto myspace so that I can post a bulletin and hope that he responds to it.  Wow. I am so amazingly pathetic.

His name is Nate. Nathan actually. He’s 2 months my senior, but a full grade higher than me.  He has brown hair and an amazing smile.  He always smiles.  He likes to run.  And play baseball.  He works with me at Target 0996.  He doesn’t own his car, it’s a family car, but he should own it in his opinion, seeing as he’s made all of the payments. It’s a green Honda with a yellow support our troops ribbon on the bumper.  He loves snowboarding.  He wants to be a nano-physicist, which takes about 11 years of school because he wants to get his doctorate. He’s not sure where he wants to go for college, but has a couple in mind.

All I can think to write about is…the boy.

Is that pathetic? Seeing as he doesn’t like me. Oh, but I like him. He’s amazing.

So, a recap of today:
Woke up, got coffee, Scotty tripped on chair, can I take his shift?, Dan was sad, Callie made comics about Mackenzie, went to Starbucks with Iman, went to Spanish with Christina instead of Guided Study, went to 2 lunches, met some kid, found out my GPA (2.7 Ugh), came home, am definitely taking Scotty’s shift, commented Pearls pics, OMG This Providence has a show, waiting for a text from the boy and doing this.

Not too intriguing, I’ll admit. But it’s my day. And all I can think about is: the boy. Have I even written (or typed) his name? Why do I like him if he doesn’t like me!?!? I should be able to find out that he doesn’t like me and have all my feelings for him dropped, right? I wish. I want him so bad. But I suppose being his friend is good too. I’d rather be his friend than his nothing. Although it kind of sends a false sense of hope. Why can’t he just be a jerk!? UGH This is ghey to the tenth power times 3. D’accord?

but it makes me kind of nervous to say so.

I know he doesn’t like me. He told me he doesn’t. He said, ‘I’m not the right guy for you.’ But I could care less. I still feel the same way. I really really really like him. I know I’m not in love, I’m just in like. But it seems like it’s more than just a crush. I can’t get him off of my mind. I see his face wherever I look. I miss him. Whenever he smiles at me I feel like we’re the only people in the room, no matter how crowded it is. (And it’s usually quite crowded.) I can joke with him. He’s competitive, which I love. And he can hold a conversation. He initiates conversations. He doesn’t wait for me to text him first. (I know that sounds so trivial, but from him it means so much. To me at least.)

I keep ho[ping that maybe he was lying. Maybe, just maybe, he was really nervous. Maybe his feelings have changed. Maybe he didn’t know how to respond. Maybe he does like me, he truly just thinks he’s not good enough for me. I know how pathetic I sound. But I can’t help it. He makes me happy. He brings out the optimist in me. He brings out my self confidence and he makes me blush. I can’t help but smile when he’s around. Even if I’m down, I see him and think of being with him, and a smile is brought to my face.

A couple of days ago, he texted me. He just said, ‘Hey, how are you, it’s been a while.’ And we started talking. He asked if I worked that night and I said, ‘No. Why? Need me to check your schedule?’ (I was planning on checking mine anyway.) And he replied, ‘No, I was just wondering if I’d be blessed with your presence tonight.’ It’s so stupid that that makes me smile. It’s so dumb, because I’m aware that he was just kidding, but I really wish he wasn’t. Oh! And I was driving back to school-from getting lunch-and he was behind me at the stop sign and he honked. That made me so happy! It’s so dumb!!

Why do I like this stupid boy!? He confuses me and makes me…I don’t even know what he makes me want to do! Ahh! I think I’m going crazy because of him.

I’ve been trying to come up with reasons as to why I’m so…unattractive.  Not in a physical sense, but obviously I’m somehow repulsive, seeing as no one seems to want to be with me.  Well, that isn’t completely true, I’ve had guys that are willing to go out with me, but they’re usually too old.  I suppose two years isn’t that big of a deal, but four is.  At least it is when you’re 16.
Maybe I’m just really really ugly and I’m completely oblivious to the fact.  Maybe I smell.  Am I too immature?  (I really don’t see myself as immature though, I like to have fun, but I’m not immature.)  Am I not funny enough?  Or perhaps it’s that I come off as stupid.  I know about 9o% of the people that know me believe I am a total dumb ass.  I’m just a dumb blond who texts during school and flirts with guys.  Maybe that’s it, maybe I flirt too much.  Is that bad?  I thought flirting with the person you liked was normal.  Although I do kind of flirt with like…every guy.  I’m a flirt. Sorry.  Ugh.  I really just want to know what’s wrong with me.
I just want someone to care for me.  I want to be held and be able to say, ‘Well, my  boyfriend is blah blah blah.’  I’m 16, almost 17, and I’ve never had a boyfriend.  I’ve never even been kissed.  I’m so unexperienced.  Not many people know though.  When my friend, Callie, found out I’d never had a boyfriend she was shocked.  She said she thought that I was an experienced dater.  I guess I give off that vibe.
Maybe it’s my confidence.  I am pretty confident.  At least I pretend to be.  I tell people that I’m able to do whatever I want, that I’m okay with how I look, that I’m fine with insults that are thrown my way.  Those are lies.  I’m not self confident whatsoever.  In fact, I’m one of the least confident people you will ever meet.   Except for the fact that you won’t meet me, seeing as this is a dumb blog.
Maybe I’m just destined to become a spinster and live out my life in a cat-ridden house.  (I hate cats.)  Damn. Being a pessimist really sucks sometimes.